Things Are Not Always What They Seem
I am often asked the question "who gets targeted by bullying?" The age-old stereotype of bullying only happening to "the shy kid who wears glasses" has been shattered as we know that it can happen to anyone. And sometimes it happens to those that you least expect. The following story was sent by a young girl - and poignantly details that "being popular" doesn't give you the exemption ticket.
Some people may be jealous of the 'popular' girls. The IT people. I am one of the 5 most popular girls in the school and I'm telling you there is nothing to be jealous about. We're not true friends. The girls gossip and talk behind other's backs and there are sides to every little story. One day this girl hates you, the other day she thinks you're her best friend. That happens, and when it does, it hurts.
The most popular girl - the Queen Bee, some call it - leads people to believe in what she believes herself. She is popular because she built a reputation, but I know that nobody truly likes her. I am a very close friend to the Queen Bee's best friend (who doesn't think of the Queen Bee as her best friend, just lets her think so as to not hurt her and suffer the pain she and I suffer everyday) and I think she's jealous sometimes of our relationship. She would ask the other girls to go on a 'hate fest' against me and would ignore me for 3 days or so.
I've gotten used to it. Every week or two something like that happens. Sometimes I wonder why that never happens to her. Why when our group splits up temporarily she's never alone. The 'best friend' and I, we talk to each other. About how we feel about situations. But no, we never gossip. I know how it feels, I know how it feels to have your stomach empty and not dare to go to the cafeteria. I know how it feels to have to fight back tears. I would not wish it on anyone.
Nobody deserves it.
- A girl who is just trying to get through middle school
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Power of Sharing Your Story
What impacts students when addressing bullying? One of the more powerful influences, as rated by the students themselves, is learning about their peer's unique experiences. It can be a video, a written story, song, artwork, audio file or a poem - what matters is that bullying becomes a shared experience, that no one should experience it in isolation or think that they are alone, or that no one cares - and that there are steps that can be taken to make it stop.
Every story is unique, each one has a message, and allows for another voice to be heard. Below is one such story, a poem by "Hannah", an 8th grade student.
"Hi, my name is Hannah and I'm supporting TeensAgainstBullying.org by
sharing my story. In seventh grade my two best friends turned against me and
harassed me all the time. The bullying took a huge toll on me, and I started
cutting myself very badly. I quit cutting at the end of eighth grade and have
found comfort in writing poetry. Here is the first poem I ever wrote. It is
about my life in seventh grade."
The Pain
Pain doesn't hurt
When it's all you've ever felt.
So drench yourself
In the music just so you don't melt.
Let the music
Take you in.
Until every inch
Of flesh has thinned.
And only then
Can you wash away,
All the memories
Of that day.
The dirty looks
you got from "friends".
The lonely sighs
That would never end.
They wash away
Like acid rain.
Or like the acid tears
That took the pain.
Want to share your story? Send it to bullying411@PACER.org
Every story is unique, each one has a message, and allows for another voice to be heard. Below is one such story, a poem by "Hannah", an 8th grade student.
"Hi, my name is Hannah and I'm supporting TeensAgainstBullying.org by
sharing my story. In seventh grade my two best friends turned against me and
harassed me all the time. The bullying took a huge toll on me, and I started
cutting myself very badly. I quit cutting at the end of eighth grade and have
found comfort in writing poetry. Here is the first poem I ever wrote. It is
about my life in seventh grade."
The Pain
Pain doesn't hurt
When it's all you've ever felt.
So drench yourself
In the music just so you don't melt.
Let the music
Take you in.
Until every inch
Of flesh has thinned.
And only then
Can you wash away,
All the memories
Of that day.
The dirty looks
you got from "friends".
The lonely sighs
That would never end.
They wash away
Like acid rain.
Or like the acid tears
That took the pain.
Want to share your story? Send it to bullying411@PACER.org
Thursday, November 4, 2010
My Inspiration
This post originally appeared on CNN.com on October 7, 2010
(CNN) -- As a mother, you send your children off to their first day of kindergarten with pride, anticipation and excitement. But a part of you can't shake those nagging questions: Will they make friends? Have someone to play with at recess? Be bullied?
As director of PACER's National Center for Bullying Prevention, and the mother of a child with Down syndrome, those questions don't just go away with time. And that worry only intensifies.
My 14-year-old son, David, was born with Down syndrome. Before he turned 3, he had undergone three open heart surgeries and a tracheotomy, and his breathing required a ventilator. Heading into kindergarten, David was nonverbal, had delayed cognitive abilities and received his nutrition from a feeding tube.
There was no doubt about it: My son wasn't like his peers. Because of his differences -- and research showing children tend to single out peers with characteristics like his -- I feared that David could become a poster child for children expected to be the targets of bullying.
We live in a small community, where David has known all of his classmates since kindergarten and will eventually graduate high school with most of them. They have the same classes, eat lunch at the same time and attend field trips together. For all of these reasons, I decided the best way to address my concerns about David would be to become his advocate -- not only with adults, but with his peers.
During his first year of school, I started visiting David's classroom to talk with his classmates about Down syndrome. I discovered that most children weren't concerned about his cognitive issues; they were actually more fascinated with why he didn't talk. At this time, I also networked with his teachers, his paraprofessionals and even made sure the lunchroom workers knew me. I hoped the more these people felt comfortable with me, the more information they would share.
Now, years later, David has just started the eighth grade. He's not bullied, and more than that, he loves school. It's the place where his peers give him high fives in the hallway, ask him to sit by them at lunch and -- best of all -- genuinely accept him.
I have been David's advocate, but I can't take all, or even most, of the credit for David's acclimating so well to school. That credit belongs to his teachers, school staff and classmates, particularly a group of students who received training in sixth grade on how to prevent bullying and speak out on David's behalf. We call them his peer advocates, and if they see bullying, they intervene, ask the bully to stop or report the situation to an adult.
The concept sounds simple, but because my son can't tell me what happens during the day, I depend heavily on these peers to act as his voice. Now, what started as four kids in sixth grade has evolved to a schoolwide project with more than 40 students volunteering to become peer advocates so they can help David and other students who are different.
I know all too well that not every parent of a child with a disability has this good fortune. Although I've found that power comes from sharing and being direct, I realize this approach won't work in every classroom where bullying exists. But there are always ways that parents, teachers and students can develop strategies and begin to teach young people the importance of inclusion, acceptance and -- most important -- respect.
The act of bullying hurts not only the children involved, but the entire community. That's why PACER Center has organized National Bullying Prevention Month in October, a time for communities nationwide to unite and promote bullying prevention through creative resources designed to engage, educate and inspire. Ignoring the problem is not the answer. Instead, our communities can take steps to raise awareness of bullying and start teaching young people that the end of bullying really does begin with them.
Bullying has affected too many for too long. But there is hope. Hope for the teachers who want bullying to end. Hope for the students too afraid to go to school. And hope for the mothers and fathers of children with disabilities -- that one day, they will drop off their children on the first day of kindergarten without having to worry about whether they will be bullied. Instead, they can expect their children will be included and respected by their peers for everything they are.
(CNN) -- As a mother, you send your children off to their first day of kindergarten with pride, anticipation and excitement. But a part of you can't shake those nagging questions: Will they make friends? Have someone to play with at recess? Be bullied?
As director of PACER's National Center for Bullying Prevention, and the mother of a child with Down syndrome, those questions don't just go away with time. And that worry only intensifies.
My 14-year-old son, David, was born with Down syndrome. Before he turned 3, he had undergone three open heart surgeries and a tracheotomy, and his breathing required a ventilator. Heading into kindergarten, David was nonverbal, had delayed cognitive abilities and received his nutrition from a feeding tube.
There was no doubt about it: My son wasn't like his peers. Because of his differences -- and research showing children tend to single out peers with characteristics like his -- I feared that David could become a poster child for children expected to be the targets of bullying.
We live in a small community, where David has known all of his classmates since kindergarten and will eventually graduate high school with most of them. They have the same classes, eat lunch at the same time and attend field trips together. For all of these reasons, I decided the best way to address my concerns about David would be to become his advocate -- not only with adults, but with his peers.
During his first year of school, I started visiting David's classroom to talk with his classmates about Down syndrome. I discovered that most children weren't concerned about his cognitive issues; they were actually more fascinated with why he didn't talk. At this time, I also networked with his teachers, his paraprofessionals and even made sure the lunchroom workers knew me. I hoped the more these people felt comfortable with me, the more information they would share.
Now, years later, David has just started the eighth grade. He's not bullied, and more than that, he loves school. It's the place where his peers give him high fives in the hallway, ask him to sit by them at lunch and -- best of all -- genuinely accept him.
I have been David's advocate, but I can't take all, or even most, of the credit for David's acclimating so well to school. That credit belongs to his teachers, school staff and classmates, particularly a group of students who received training in sixth grade on how to prevent bullying and speak out on David's behalf. We call them his peer advocates, and if they see bullying, they intervene, ask the bully to stop or report the situation to an adult.
The concept sounds simple, but because my son can't tell me what happens during the day, I depend heavily on these peers to act as his voice. Now, what started as four kids in sixth grade has evolved to a schoolwide project with more than 40 students volunteering to become peer advocates so they can help David and other students who are different.
I know all too well that not every parent of a child with a disability has this good fortune. Although I've found that power comes from sharing and being direct, I realize this approach won't work in every classroom where bullying exists. But there are always ways that parents, teachers and students can develop strategies and begin to teach young people the importance of inclusion, acceptance and -- most important -- respect.
The act of bullying hurts not only the children involved, but the entire community. That's why PACER Center has organized National Bullying Prevention Month in October, a time for communities nationwide to unite and promote bullying prevention through creative resources designed to engage, educate and inspire. Ignoring the problem is not the answer. Instead, our communities can take steps to raise awareness of bullying and start teaching young people that the end of bullying really does begin with them.
Bullying has affected too many for too long. But there is hope. Hope for the teachers who want bullying to end. Hope for the students too afraid to go to school. And hope for the mothers and fathers of children with disabilities -- that one day, they will drop off their children on the first day of kindergarten without having to worry about whether they will be bullied. Instead, they can expect their children will be included and respected by their peers for everything they are.
Monday, September 27, 2010
"Twin Day"
As homecoming week approaches for many schools across the nation, it seemed like a good time to revisit a section from the PACERTeensAgainstBullying.org web site called “What’s Up With That?” which features students (using screen names) giving their opinions on various topics. This topic references the “dress up” days that are often associated with the week.
“Twin Day”
{incognito}
Our family moved this summer, and starting 10th grade at a new school has been rough. I haven't made many friends. This week is Spirit Week, you know, those days when everyone is supposed to do things like wear pajamas or dress in school colors. Today was this thing called Twin Day. You’re supposed to get together with someone and dress alike. People who have a “twin” love it, but for people like me who don’t really fit in, it’s the worst day of the week.
{stephisticated}
Our school has the same day. A lot of kids get left out, but mostly it's those who are always left out, like the quiet, shy kids or those who are in special education--no one ever “twins” with them.
{typeO}
Get over yourselves--everybody gets left out sometime. That's just the way it is. What’s the big deal?
{Cookie*monsta}
Yeah. Our school has had Twin Day for years. A lot of people love it. No one has whined about it before.
{theMAN37}
But, kids do get left out. That can't feel good.
{stephisticated}
No kidding. Even though my best friend and I always pair up, I feel pretty bad for kids who don't. It just makes them stand out even more, and not in a good way. If I feel bad and it’s not even happening to me, think how it feels to be them.
{baditude}
Don't be pathetic. If someone isn't paired up, that's their problem, not anyone else's.
{stephisticated}
But that's just it. It's not their problem; they are being set up. Why should Spirit Week, which is supposed to pull students together, do something that hurts people?
{AllSmiles}
I agree. I don't want to be a part of something that hurts other people on purpose.
{theMAN37}
I'm with you. Down with Twin Day. There's got to be something better. I vote for Dress Like Your Parents Day or ’80s Day.
{incognito}
OMG, that would be so funny. I’m going to suggest that to the Student Council for next year.
“Twin Day”
{incognito}
Our family moved this summer, and starting 10th grade at a new school has been rough. I haven't made many friends. This week is Spirit Week, you know, those days when everyone is supposed to do things like wear pajamas or dress in school colors. Today was this thing called Twin Day. You’re supposed to get together with someone and dress alike. People who have a “twin” love it, but for people like me who don’t really fit in, it’s the worst day of the week.
{stephisticated}
Our school has the same day. A lot of kids get left out, but mostly it's those who are always left out, like the quiet, shy kids or those who are in special education--no one ever “twins” with them.
{typeO}
Get over yourselves--everybody gets left out sometime. That's just the way it is. What’s the big deal?
{Cookie*monsta}
Yeah. Our school has had Twin Day for years. A lot of people love it. No one has whined about it before.
{theMAN37}
But, kids do get left out. That can't feel good.
{stephisticated}
No kidding. Even though my best friend and I always pair up, I feel pretty bad for kids who don't. It just makes them stand out even more, and not in a good way. If I feel bad and it’s not even happening to me, think how it feels to be them.
{baditude}
Don't be pathetic. If someone isn't paired up, that's their problem, not anyone else's.
{stephisticated}
But that's just it. It's not their problem; they are being set up. Why should Spirit Week, which is supposed to pull students together, do something that hurts people?
{AllSmiles}
I agree. I don't want to be a part of something that hurts other people on purpose.
{theMAN37}
I'm with you. Down with Twin Day. There's got to be something better. I vote for Dress Like Your Parents Day or ’80s Day.
{incognito}
OMG, that would be so funny. I’m going to suggest that to the Student Council for next year.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Hazing is a Form of Bullying!
StopHazing.org defines “Hazing” as refering to any activity expected of someone joining a group (or to maintain full status in a group) that humiliates, degrades or risks emotional and/or physical harm, regardless of the person's willingness to participate.
The following story sent to PACER's Teens Against Bullying by Meiramia illustrates how devastating the behavior can be.
Hi, My story is...
Basically, I'm in a boarding school which is one of the SBP or Full Residential School in Malaysia. It's my second year and I'm 14 years old and a second former in my school. Most of the schools consists of students from 1st formers to 5th formers. The 1st and 2nd formers are considered 'Juniors' . 4th formers and 5th formers are considered seniors whereas 3rd formers don't get labeled because it's their exam year. This 'labelling' is not given out by the school or teachers but by the seniors themselves.
Basically, I think what I'm writing about would be more about hazing than bullying. I'm a girl. The hazing or bullying is different for girls and boys. For us girls, it's more emotional rather than physical. It starts during orientation week. Since it's boarding school we're in school 24/7 and the '4th formers who act as our College sisters will handle all of our activities. The hazing starts immediately after your parents leave. They gather you at one of the dorms and start introducing "their RULES". We were told that whatever they say goes and that we shouldn't even tell the teachers. It was because they said, "It's for the sake of girl bonding and junior-senior bonding. As it was our first year, we were scared as hell. We were forced to not take baths as they rushed us on everything and they tell us they don't even care if we didn't have our shower but during nightime seniors in our dorms would single us out and scold us for not taking our showers because we stink. We also constantly told to do small things like make a cup of instant noodles for the seniors and if we say NO they'll start to single you out.
For my batchmates, as the year progressed, it got worse for some of us. My classmates had gotten really close that they called themselves Berry Berry. A cute name because all of them loved berries so much. The seniors found out and school became hell for them. Constantly humiliated by seniors and as months passed other juniors too started humilliating them because they were influence by the seniors. I saw tears from those strong girls multiple times. And as the Student leader of 1st formers I was humiliated as well. But I held in my feelings and tears and defended my friends as long as I can.
It got to a point that I was so stressed out that the night before a Mathematics paper, I had fainted on my way to the dorms. When I was concious I was screaming as if I was possessed and my whole body was cramped. I couldn't move. When the teacher asked me why i couln't answer becaused i was surrounded by my seniors. Amazingly rumours spread that I was just acting because my finals results was amazing and I was 2nd in my batch. Academiccally i was good as well as Co-currically, but my health was not good at all.
Also, there is this tradition we have for girls that on the last night of school all the juniors will be gathered and one place and one by one we get singled out and humiliated and shouted at by the seniors. Luckily, I missed out due to injuries I got from a competition. We call it Night of Darkess or NOD. This year we got a pre-NOD but I was lucky again because I had good relationship with the seniors.
A quote from my senior that causes so much anger in me is 'What goes around comes around' I don't want to do this to other people because it's so aweful. I want to send this message to people all around the world.
The following story sent to PACER's Teens Against Bullying by Meiramia illustrates how devastating the behavior can be.
Hi, My story is...
Basically, I'm in a boarding school which is one of the SBP or Full Residential School in Malaysia. It's my second year and I'm 14 years old and a second former in my school. Most of the schools consists of students from 1st formers to 5th formers. The 1st and 2nd formers are considered 'Juniors' . 4th formers and 5th formers are considered seniors whereas 3rd formers don't get labeled because it's their exam year. This 'labelling' is not given out by the school or teachers but by the seniors themselves.
Basically, I think what I'm writing about would be more about hazing than bullying. I'm a girl. The hazing or bullying is different for girls and boys. For us girls, it's more emotional rather than physical. It starts during orientation week. Since it's boarding school we're in school 24/7 and the '4th formers who act as our College sisters will handle all of our activities. The hazing starts immediately after your parents leave. They gather you at one of the dorms and start introducing "their RULES". We were told that whatever they say goes and that we shouldn't even tell the teachers. It was because they said, "It's for the sake of girl bonding and junior-senior bonding. As it was our first year, we were scared as hell. We were forced to not take baths as they rushed us on everything and they tell us they don't even care if we didn't have our shower but during nightime seniors in our dorms would single us out and scold us for not taking our showers because we stink. We also constantly told to do small things like make a cup of instant noodles for the seniors and if we say NO they'll start to single you out.
For my batchmates, as the year progressed, it got worse for some of us. My classmates had gotten really close that they called themselves Berry Berry. A cute name because all of them loved berries so much. The seniors found out and school became hell for them. Constantly humiliated by seniors and as months passed other juniors too started humilliating them because they were influence by the seniors. I saw tears from those strong girls multiple times. And as the Student leader of 1st formers I was humiliated as well. But I held in my feelings and tears and defended my friends as long as I can.
It got to a point that I was so stressed out that the night before a Mathematics paper, I had fainted on my way to the dorms. When I was concious I was screaming as if I was possessed and my whole body was cramped. I couldn't move. When the teacher asked me why i couln't answer becaused i was surrounded by my seniors. Amazingly rumours spread that I was just acting because my finals results was amazing and I was 2nd in my batch. Academiccally i was good as well as Co-currically, but my health was not good at all.
Also, there is this tradition we have for girls that on the last night of school all the juniors will be gathered and one place and one by one we get singled out and humiliated and shouted at by the seniors. Luckily, I missed out due to injuries I got from a competition. We call it Night of Darkess or NOD. This year we got a pre-NOD but I was lucky again because I had good relationship with the seniors.
A quote from my senior that causes so much anger in me is 'What goes around comes around' I don't want to do this to other people because it's so aweful. I want to send this message to people all around the world.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Focus On A Peer Champion—Hayley Reardon
People can be mean, and sometimes when you’re my age it’s easy to feel like you’re all alone. Going to school and growing up is hard for everyone at times, but we often don’t think about how it could be easier for all of us if we faced it as a team. Hayley Reardon, age 13
Hayley is working with PACER, raising awareness of the Teens Against Bullying initiative and is featured as a Peer Champion, joining others teens to uniquely make a difference for others. Hayley song "She's Falling" is featured as a classroom resource that teachers and students can use to raise awareness during National Bullying Prevention Month in October.
Hayley writes “To me, this song is about not knowing how to help someone who you can see is falling apart.” Although Hayley’s song was written about a girl she knew personally, she, like all of us, was moved by the story of Phoebe Prince, a 15 year old Irish immigrant attending school in Massachusetts, who after months of being subjected to bullying from her peers, committed suicide on January 14, 2010.
Her song and lyrics are posted, along with classroom discussion questions. This is a great way for students to creatively engage in conversation about bullying and its often devastating outcomes.
Special thanks to Hayley for her outstanding efforts in raising awareness!
Hayley is working with PACER, raising awareness of the Teens Against Bullying initiative and is featured as a Peer Champion, joining others teens to uniquely make a difference for others. Hayley song "She's Falling" is featured as a classroom resource that teachers and students can use to raise awareness during National Bullying Prevention Month in October.
Hayley writes “To me, this song is about not knowing how to help someone who you can see is falling apart.” Although Hayley’s song was written about a girl she knew personally, she, like all of us, was moved by the story of Phoebe Prince, a 15 year old Irish immigrant attending school in Massachusetts, who after months of being subjected to bullying from her peers, committed suicide on January 14, 2010.
Her song and lyrics are posted, along with classroom discussion questions. This is a great way for students to creatively engage in conversation about bullying and its often devastating outcomes.
Special thanks to Hayley for her outstanding efforts in raising awareness!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Are You Being Bullied?
Kids who are bullied often wonder, “Why me? Is it my clothes? My grades? My glasses? My weight? My hair? My skin? Maybe I deserve it because I’m not on a sports team, or because….”
Stop. Hold it, hold it, hold it! Those feelings are completely understandable, but the fact is, no one deserves to be bullied. For anything. Never. Not ever. So if bullying is happening, stop thinking there’s something wrong with you.
Instead, start working with others to change what is happening. Teens and kids can talk with trusted adults—parents, guardians, relatives, teachers, guidance counselors, or community leaders—and tell them what’s going on. Adults can help work out strategies and responses to handle the situation.
Bullying isn’t stronger than teens or kids and the adults who care about them working together.
Check out these ideas:
Elementary school students: PACERKidsAgainstBullying.org > Smart Stuff > Stop It! If You Are A Target
Middle/high school students: PACERTeensAgainstBullying.org > RESPOND
Stop. Hold it, hold it, hold it! Those feelings are completely understandable, but the fact is, no one deserves to be bullied. For anything. Never. Not ever. So if bullying is happening, stop thinking there’s something wrong with you.
Instead, start working with others to change what is happening. Teens and kids can talk with trusted adults—parents, guardians, relatives, teachers, guidance counselors, or community leaders—and tell them what’s going on. Adults can help work out strategies and responses to handle the situation.
Bullying isn’t stronger than teens or kids and the adults who care about them working together.
Check out these ideas:
Elementary school students: PACERKidsAgainstBullying.org > Smart Stuff > Stop It! If You Are A Target
Middle/high school students: PACERTeensAgainstBullying.org > RESPOND
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